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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 24, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PST

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>> jon: that's our show, here is your moment of zen. >> i was a severely conservative republican governor. >> it's not a lie. if you believe it captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, thank you for joining us. levly people, lovely people. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, lad eyes and gentlemen, please. wonderful. and happy birthday to estonia. it's a tiny country with a good pr department. folks, last night was the 20th gop presidential debate. last night's big winner was mitt romney. who slapped down rick santorum's accusation that romneycare is what lead to
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obamacare. just watch mitt slip the script. >> the reason we have obamacare is because the senator supported pat toomey are over pat toomey arlen specter voted for obamacare. if you had not supported him, if we said no to arlen specter we would not have obamacare. so don't look at me. take a look in the mirror. >> stephen: yeah, rick. if you didn't endorse this clown in 2004 who cast the deciding vote on obamacare five years later, we wouldn't have obama's disastrous government mandated health care that mitt romney designed. (laughter) so look in the mirror, buddy! you're not going to like what you see. but what really-- (applause) what really sealed mitt's victory was his answer to john king's final question. >> what the biggest misconception about you in
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the public debate right now. we are geeing have to add dramatic fundamental change in washington d.c. we're going have to create more jobs v less debt and shrink the size of government. the only person -- >> are there misconception, the question is a misconception. >> you get to ask the questions you want, i get to give the answers i want. >> fair enough. >> stephen: yes, wait with way to go, mitt. boom boom. you can give whatever answers you want who cares what the question was. (laughter) i love this! i want to try. okay. jimmy, hit me with one of last night's questions. >> why was george w. bush wrong in his efforts to save the auto industry and why was barack obama wrong to continue the effort. >> lincoln. (laughter) because the question i'm answering is what is the capital of nebraska. okay, i'm good at this. i'm good at this give me another. >> my question to all the candidates is how do you plan on dealing with the growing nuclear threat in
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iran. >> he was stabbed with an icicle and it melted. okay, i'm on a roll. i'm on a roll. >> what are you going to do to bring down the debt? >> tub thumping by chumbawumba. the people know! this gives hope to all of us. president romney will make us great again. imagine how well our kids will do on tests. what is the quad ratic equation. answer, once at camp but i didn't like it. now you may ask, you may ask if mitt doesn't want to answer the question, why did he agree to a debate to which i say, 34 double d. of course it has not all been smooth sailing for
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romney. recently a controversial mormon practice has caught the attention of author and holocaust survivor elie wiesel who shared his concerns with author and msnbc survivor lawrence o'donnell. jim? elie wiesel calls on mitt romney to make mormon church stop proxy baptisms of jews. that's right. the mormon church baptizes jews against their will and without their knowledge after they are dead. >> we learned about a procedure in the mormon church, i think 600,000, 650,000 dead jews were converted posthumously. so they began -- so we began protesting. >> stephen: what business is it of yours, elie? i did some research and it turns out those 600,000 jews are now mormon. besides, the mormons have
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stopped baptizing holocaust victims. other than last week when they baptized ann frank, which they've done nine times. but that's it nobody else. >> and then this week a researcher found elie wiesel's name on a list of people to be baptized after their death. >> stephen: now i don't get why elie wiesel is so up set about his name being on a list. but unfortunately for mitt, this controversy just seems like it will not die. and if it did, the mormons with would posthumously baptize it. so let me explain the ritual, okay. what happens is a mormon elder reads a list of dead people's names while living mormon proxy is submerged in water. off then a large bap 'tis mall font on the back of 12 oxen representing the 12 tribes of israel. the mormons use it to travel back to baptize people in the past.
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its-- it's like it's some kind of -- >> hot tub time machine. >> stephen: that's it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i didn't even know the this guy was a mormon. now i want to be clear. as television's most famous and important catholic, i do not condone post muss mormon baptism. if are you going to baptize someone against their will, you do it the catholic way request with an inquisition. but i think the mormons are being misunderstood here. mormons are just trying to get these dead jews in to heaven. now of course they're not allowed to be the best mormon heaven. that's in the celestial kingdom, and is for true born mormons only. it is the first class cabin of paradise. hot towel, warm nut, the whole shebang.
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but don't worry dead jewish viewers, you do-- (laughter) you do get admitted to the ter restrial kingdom which is sorts of like mormon heaven business class. and finally the riffraff end up in the tellestial kingdom, the sphere populated by the liar, sourcerers, adulterers and whoremongers so it is literally like flying coach. (applause) but you know, my jewish friends are up set. so right now i'm going to balance everything out by converting all the dead mormons to juddaism, jay, get out here. jay, come on, jay, the intern, everybody. how are you, buddy, thanks for doing this. now jay, jay, you are going to be my jewish proxy for all the dead mormons.
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>> do i get college credit for this? >> stephen: sure, comparative religion. of course, jews don't baptize so instead i will now proxy circumcise all the dead mormons. okay. jay, hold this hot dog right there, okay. hold that a little-- hold that a little low. (laughter) >> stephen: all right. all right, now by the power vested in me, by renting yentl, i hearby -- hereby circumcise every dead mormon in the name of the father, and that's it. (cheers and applause) mormon-tov. congratulations, dead mormons, you're now-- congratulations dead mormons, you're now dead jews. i just pray that no one baptizes you without your permission. we'll be right back. thank you, jay.
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>> welcome back, everybody, thanks so much, folks, reviewers of this show know that a couple of times a year the network sometimes
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asks me to do an integrated sponsorship which i love. the money's green and i'm in. these sponsor-tunities have lead to some of our most memorable segments from the hail to the cheese steven colbert's nacho cheese doritoes 2008 presidential campaign coverage to last weak's syrian atrocity update brought to you by fruit rollups. fruit rollup, overthrow your taste buds. now a little brought to you by cede sit usually it. but tonight, we have a product so important, because tonight it's wheat thins. (cheers and applause) wheat thins, crunch is calling. and the call is coming from inside your mouth. get out of there. now i know what you're thinking. you're thinking stephen, how important could wheat thins be. yes. i used to think that way too. until i received this actual
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memo from wheat thins. detailing for my sponsorship purposes what the role of wheat thins is in our lives. let me tell you something, you think you know wheat thins. wlooep [bleep] you. [bleep] you and the cracker you rode in on. okay. now listen up. now shut up! listen up. if you've got some wheat thins at home and i hope you do, go get them. if you don't have any go buy some. i'll wait. are they gone? >> good because i'm not waiting for anyone. who didn't already have wheat thins. now the team at nab is cohas broken-- nab isco has broken down the core message into two distinct category, what is the role of the brand and what's not the role of the brand. bullet point one. wheat thins are the perfect snacking side kick whenever,
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wherever, and for whatever. okay. what's it go with. cheese, yes. hummus, sure. a discarded strip of truck tire, it request handle it. -- it can handle it. now i would love to pour this whole box in my mouth right now. but the memo clearly states that we can't show overconsumption that is a brand don't. a serving size for wheat thins is 16 crackers. so as delicious as they are, i shouldn't eat more than 16 and also if they are shown out of the box like in a bowl, there should only be a max of 16. so remember, everyone, while wheat thins is, quote, a snack for anyone who is actively seeking experiences, those experiences do not
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include the experience of eating 17 crackers. and you know what? that is the way, that is the way it should be. because when you think about it, and they have, 16 is the perfect number of wheat thins to keep you on the path to and proud of doing what you love to do no matter what that is. no matter what. driving kids to practice. watching a movie. arson. no judgement. because wheat thins are not a creator of isolated, unshareable experiences. they are a connector of like-minded people encouraging sharing. perfect for a party. so just get out. just get out. just get out the big bowl, okay. and just fill it to the brim with 16 wheat thins. (laughter)
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okay, there you go. 16 wheat thins. and you, and 16 of your friends are set for the night. and folks don't listen to the haters. wheat thins are not an exclusive or exclusionary brand. just get in here. now i want to reiterate, i do not say this too many times, this is an actual memo from wheat thins that i received. i want to make sure you understood that before i informed you that wheat thins are not a crusader or rebel looking to change individual paths or the world. no! that's those outside agitators over at cheese nips. you can't trust them. they're liable to start a ri ot out there showing everybody their nips.
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anyway, anyway, folks, now that i understand how much philosophy is packed in to every 100% whole grain square, i got to have me some. 16, okay. here we go. (cheers and applause) oh, yeah. (cheers and applause) in feels right. what i still want more? what do you say, should i go for 17? (cheers and applause)
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i would like to apologise to wheat thins, and its entire nabisco family of snackable products. i thought that i was building a purposeful experience relevant to the brand but i see now that i was being a crusader and or a rebel. (cheers and applause) that's it for wheat thins. join me next time when i will read a memo from someone else who gave me ah, welcome to hotels.com.
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i get it...guys weekend. yeah! if you're looking for a place to get together, you came to the right place. because here at hotels.com, we're only about hotels. yeah!
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yeah! noooo. yeah! finding you the perfect place is all we do. welcome to hotels.com
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the most famous opera singer in the world, even better, you're not watching pbs. please welcome practise i hado domingo-- plascido domingo. thank you so much, please, sit down. now, now, sir, i'm an enormous fan. not only of you but of the form of opera. >> really. >> stephen: yeah, because you get your money's worth out of opera. >> absolutely. not enough. >> stephen: it's pricey. it's pricey. i love the way that you offer people just stock the. >>y crowd for those ticket
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prices. but you really give the people something for their money. like you are burst into tears 15 minutes in and the leading lady dies for like four hours. what's the longest it's taken to you die on stage? >> well, actually, i'm just doing an opera, now. with -- >> sorry what? >> simonee. >> okay, but go ahead. >> okay, so this character, this character gets poisoned in the second act and i die in the third act, you know. >> so this is the longest it took me to die. >> and you have sung in the most viewed opera of off time. your production ofs to ca was seen by a billion people, correct? >> right. >> wow, that's one out of every six people on the planet. or like two-thirds of the chinese. either one. >> well, yes. >> why is is the ten ors get
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all the attention. why do the tennors always get the girl. why not the bar i tone. >> well, the big cess because the tennors,-- you know, and sometimes they are good looking. not always, you know. >> you look like the most interesting man in the world. >> (cheers and applause) >> you know. >> i don't always, i don't always sing opera, but when i do i'm the tennor. >> of course. >> now i got one problem with opera. why all the european languages? why the italian, the spanish, french, german, why not good solid american operas? have you done an american opera. >> yeah. >> were you like mustafa in the lion king. >> i have done some american operas. and they are very, very good american operas also. but of course the opera was born 400 years ago in europe. and of course, tart in italy, you know, then french,
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russian, german. and scandinavian countries. >> the best op ra, what does that sound like. >> the best op ra, i cannot say. >> rigolleta, that song. >> absolutely, the most popular song. >> it is so known, the opera, that the whole evening they are, the public is sitting, you know, in 9 auditorium and when it comes-- everybody rigoletto. >> they sing along, is it like a-- concert. >> no, they don't, that wab fun, you know, just say come on, sing with us. come on. >> join in the chorus. >> dow ever teach people to sing. do you do master classes, that kind of stuff. >> i sometimes. >> would you teach me how to sing. >> absolutely. >> i tell you what, when we come back, placido and i, we will opera.
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>> yeah, (cheers and applause) >> you tell me. >> thank you so much, ah, welcome to hotels.com.
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i get it...guys weekend. yeah! if you're looking for a place to get together, you came to the right place. because here at hotels.com, we're only about hotels. yeah! yeah! noooo. yeah! finding you the perfect place is all we do.
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welcome to hotels.com
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